Wednesday, September 2, 2015

*fourteen months*

I can't believe how quickly time goes by. It is true when they say the days are long but the years are short.

Sam is delightful. It is seriously amazing that I have not been a headline on the news for gobbling him up. He is that delicious.

Right now he can say a few words: hi, bye, ball, hot. He waves and says hi to EVERYONE wherever we go. He is definately a charmer. He also can sign more and please. Adorable.

He isn't walking yet but crawls quickly from one place to another and cruises around on furniture. He has taken a couple steps but would rather not commit to changing his transportation style.

He gives kisses. Makes sure we know what he wants to eat by pointing and making an "MMMmmm" sound. He doesn't like to be snuggled to sleep which breaks my heart--just likes to be plopped into his crib. He loves me so much and I love him so much right back. He loves the FaceTime feature on my phone. He really is a happy, happy baby.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015


I realized I miss blogging. I don't really keep a formal journal and I love that I had this outlet to remember the fun I have with my family. So I am going to try to get back into the swing of things.

And to enter back into the blogging world in grand fashion, I have a glorious announcement to make.

I had a baby.

He is absolutely perfect. And wonderful. And what I had been craving for so long.

After we lost Jacob, I was absolutely certain I was done having babies. My heart could not chance getting pregnant again and survive feeling this pain of losing another one. But, two months later in January, the night before Justin was scheduled to have his vasectomy, I freaked out. I told him to cancel his appointment and we would make a new plan. My plan was to throw caution to the wind and see what happened. Not the most brilliant plan but I didn't know what I wanted. Justin did not want to entertain the idea of getting pregnant but since we didn't talk about what we wanted to do for birth control, we didn't do anything about birth control. I also realized that I really, REALLY wanted another baby and would pray month after month that I would have the opportunity.

By November, I gave myself another month. If I wasn't pregnant by the beginning of the year, I would take that as my answer and be done.

I took a pregnancy test on December 7 and was expecting the result I had received each time I had tested before. When the two lines appeared, I cried. I was an emotional concoction of excitement, worry, relief that we would be able to try this again and extreme apprehension of what the future held. In short, I was a mess. I now wondered what I had gotten myself into and tried to not freak out about the unknown and take this journey one day at a time.

I tried not to get excited and called my doctor. She immediately scheduled an ultrasound for the 11th and with trepidation I headed to my appointment. I was relieved to see there was a darling little being in my uterus measuring 6.3 weeks. However, my hopes were dashed when I was told the heart rate was at 80 and I began to prepare for the worst. I tried to distance myself from this new life in me because I KNOW what happens when a heart rate is 80 in a baby. It is not good. I sheepishly admit that I consulted multiple google sites about early pregnancy and low heart rates even though I work in labor and delivery and my doctor was trying to reassure me that it was still early and things would most likely be fine. As with all internet searches, the results were mixed and I left my computer with more anxiety than before I started. I had another ultrasound scheduled the next week to confirm one way or the other what the ultimate outcome would be.

Thank goodness there was good news at the next ultrasound. The heart rate was 133 and I could breathe a bit easier. A month later they checked up on me and things were still going strong. I had a scare around 12 weeks at home when I was listening with my Doppler and couldn't find the heartbeat. This is how I found out we had lost Jacob and I freaked out for a minute and then went right up to labor and delivery. My friend plopped the ultrasound on my belly and there was my sweet baby, with a strong heartbeat. Justin grounded me from my Doppler for a while.

Here I am at 16 weeks. Terrible selfies in the bathroom with a filthy mirror. I never took pictures of my belly with ANY of my other pregnancies and I am so sad I didn't. You can never take too many pictures and I always wish I took more.

By 22 weeks I was feeling pretty confident that things were going well, so my mom and I painted what would become his nursery.

23 weeks along!

27 weeks and 4 days.

I saw this dresser on the internet a few years ago and fell in love with it. I was a little bummed because the boys already had their bedroom furniture and so I couldn't find an excuse to have one at my house. I was so excited to make this and have it be part of the nursery. I had so much fun refinishing this and in the end it cost me less than $100 and I only wanted to pull my hair out a couple times during the process.

29 weeks.

32 weeks and 6 days.

34 weeks.

Because of my previous cesearean section with Liam, I was extremely nervous the entire time about the location of my placenta with this pregnancy. I was sent to ultrasound after ultrasound to determine if my placenta had taken up residence on my previous scar, which indeed did happen. I want to say that my doctor knew of this for a while because any time I would ask about it, vague answers ensued and I was always left the office curious about the plan of delivery. We would talk about an accreta each time I went to my appointments, but I think they were trying to protect my sanity so I didn't obsess about every little detail and every possible adverse outcome that could happen. Every scenario I walked through in my brain ended up with me either dead or in the SICU. Lame, I know. I knew I was going to have another cesearean section pretty early on since this darling boy was breech and I did not want to attempt a version to try to have a vaginal delivery. I just wanted to know the severity of my condition. My doctor actually uttered the phrase: "you have an accreta" at my doctor's appointment on June 25. I started to get teary. One of my worst fears is being put under anesthesia and not waking up and this legitimately could happen due to the amount of blood one could lose with this type of delivery. This also meant I would deliver in the main OR, Justin wouldn't be able to be in with me, I would most likely be under general anesthesia, and I would possibly need a hysterectomy. My doctor and I discussed dates of delivery and we set it up for July 3. Although I was very nervous, I was glad my little one was healthy and that he would be arriving soon.

I started talking to the anestheia attending at work and asked if my darling friend and coworker Adrianne could be my support person while I was delivering. This way, I would not be alone and if I did end up having complications, she has a level head in emergencies and can stand up to the doctors if I can't talk for myself. He said that he couldn't see a problem with making that happen. That made me feel infinitely better. Another good friend of mine offered to come in on his weekend off to help deliver me. The anesthesiologist who is in charge of scheduling put one of the best anesthesiologists to my case. I felt like I was getting the best possible care and everything was lining up perfectly.

The big day at 35 weeks and 3 days.

I got to Labor and Delivery bright and early at 5:30 a.m. to prep me for my surgery. I love, love, love my coworkers. They were all so excited for me and I had nothing but the best care. Justin was super bummed that he wasn't able to come into the OR and we thought we would just ask the anesthesiologist when she came in to consent me if he could attend the delivery part because the worst she could say was no, right? There was no hesitation when the doctor said yes because of a mild scheduling error, I was put in a trauma room and "was big enough for a dance party". So I was able to have Justin, Adrianne for an extra support person, another good friend, Erin, as my delivery nurse, Dr. Draper, the best attending OB, my friend, Sean, who would also be assisting with the delivery, and one of my favorite anesthesia doctors doting on me.

I felt so very lucky.

We went up to the OR and I received my spinal and had bladder stents placed. Everything was going really well but at one point I remember looking up at the big, bright lights and observing the bustling going on around me and I got a little overwhelmed and became teary. It passed quickly and after that I was okay. I was so glad that Justin was able to be with me because Adrianne could take pictures of the delivery. Justin would never have been able to stay upright if I asked him to do that.

At 9:18 a.m. my darling boy entered the world.

It was such a relief to know that he was out. He was alive. He was here.

He ended up going to the NBICU for observation due to some bruising but was overall doing well. Justin went with the baby and Adrianne was able to stay with me. My placenta was not releasing from the scar and Dr. Draper said they were going to move forward with the hysterectomy. I was expecting to start feeling all funny as I would be put off to sleep but after a few minutes I finally asked the anesthesiologist if I was going under general and she just smiled and said no.

I was so, so grateful that I was able to stay awake for the procedure and even though I lost a couple liters of blood I did not need a blood transfusion. I had the best possible outcome for one of the most serious pregnancy related complications.

I came back down to Labor and Delivery to recover for a little while and just rested and let my drugs wear off so I could talk and act like a normal human being. The boys came up to see me and I was shown pictures of my sweet son. Finally, it was time to go and see him myself. We were hoping that we would be able to decide on a name at this point as well, but it took me a couple days to finally be able to make a decision.

I will forever be grateful for Erin for grabbing my camera and capturing the first moments I was able to really look at and hold my babe. I finally can make it through looking at these without tearing up. Sometimes. I had waited for this moment for such a long, long time.

Welcome to the world, little man. We love you so much already.