Monday, December 31, 2012

*filling the void*

One month ago I delivered my stillborn little boy.

I miss him terribly.

Some days are better than others. Some minutes hurt more than others. I still have breakdowns and my arms ache to hold a little one. The little one I will not be blessed to hold in this life.

I took three weeks off from work which was nice but I had a lot of time during the day to think about what could have been and I would cry. I decided to go back to work so I could have a distraction, to keep my mind off things, and since I work nights, I would be able to sleep the sadness away until my boys got home from school.

But I do work in Labor and Delivery. I am around families having their precious babies. Not to mention there are over a dozen women that I work with that are pregnant, most within a month of when I was due. There were four of us due within the same week. I look at their sweet, round pregnant bellies full of life and try to be excited for them but I am still full of too much grief. Still reminded that my womb is empty. And if that weren't enough, my period started this week as if my body was reiterating the fact that there is nothing in there. No one in there.

Although I am trying to rise above my sadness, there are daily reminders that taunt me: there is no adjusting of my seatbelt to make room for the baby, the almost guilty looks of my friends who are successfully carrying their little one, and the confused looks of others who knew I was pregnant and I don't have a belly anymore. Instead, I have a box of momentos that include molds of his sweet hands and feet, his ultrasound pictures, and sincere and lovely notes of sympathy and love, trying to erase some of my pain.

People would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and I was at a loss. I couldn't think of one single thing. What I truly wanted and desired was gone and I didn't feel like I could fill the void with silly trinkets and things of monetary value. I wanted my baby. That is all. I just want my baby to be back. To feel him kick and move inside me. I wanted to yell and scream and make someone understand that a part of me died when Jacob came.

I did try to fill my soul with spending money on my kids for Christmas. It felt good for a while but the gifts I bought brought joy to my boys, but they were spoiled and got a little too much to open on Christmas morning. It was just a temporary happiness for me and so I started thinking.

I need to fill my soul with good things. Things that bring lifelong happiness not only to me, but to others.

This next year I am excited to do at least one service project a week. Some will be small, some large, some alone, some with my family. I am excited to begin and to remember that "when you are in the service of your fellow beings, you are in the service of your God."

I have a few ideas, but definately not 52. If you have any, please feel free to list them. I want to be successful at this. I want my boys to see the true meaning of happiness. And most of all, I want to see my baby again.

The healing has begun and I know from experience that it is a process but things do get and feel better over time. I need to continue to have hope and faith and remember that my Savior loves me and will not leave me alone in my sorrow.

I am so excited for 2013.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

*j birthday*

There is no better way for Justin to spend his birthday than watching football.

And he got his wish because it was the playoffs and all the boys played. If you are a little confused about how we all made it to the playoffs because we lost so many games I am too. But the stars aligned and although each boy was seeded differently, it was fun to have them all have a chance to play for the big prize.

We had to drive up to South Summit and be there by 8 a.m. Holy cow. That is early on a Saturday and it was a little chilly. We stopped at the local grocery store in Kamas and got Justin a great birthday breakfast of breakfast burritos and orange juice. I picked up some delicious heavily frosted over processed store bought cupcakes for Justin's team so they could embarass him as they sang him Happy Birthday.

We set up camp and enjoyed watching the boys do their thing.

Andrew had a great game against Juan Diego.

And he won. Do you think he is excited or what?

Nick also had a fabulous game against Grantsville.

His team also won. Whoo hoo!

Then it was time for this sweet boy to play.

Luke's team played well against Judge but unfortunately lost. Oh well. I think Justin would have really loved to see his team win, it would have been an awesome birthday present, but he was proud of how the team, especially his offensive line, performed. Hopefully they can pull it off next year!

We sang to Justin and headed over to the Dairy Keen for lunch with some of our good friends, the Ruiz's. We hung out for a while and just relaxed while we gorged ourselves with delicious train burgers and fries.

We had plans to go to a movie and dinner later that night as a family but by the time we got home we were still full from our late lunch and Justin decided to have a low key movie night at home.

It was fun just hanging out together and celebrating the birth of one of the greatest men in the world.

Happy birthday babe.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

*halloween 2012*

We had a fantastic Halloween.

We were in temporary housing for the last two halloweens so we were very excited to be able to trick or treat in what we could call our very own neighborhood. And the kids made bank. There are so many kids in Herriman that much of the candy handed out was from the huge bag of tootsie rolls and dum-dum suckers. Here, not so many kids.

I remember when I would go trick or treating as a kid and I would be absolutely estatic when I would receive the rare full size candy bar. I think I got two in my many years of scavenging the streets for goodies.

Liam scored 6. Luke and Andrew got 4-5. Nick had 3. Along with the bounty of other bite size candy bars they received because people said "Take a couple handfuls" because they wanted to get rid of it.

There was much rejoicing when the pillowcases were dumped on the floor. Squeals and dancing and a whole lot of "OH yeah"s.

It was a little gross how much we had left over at our own house. We live on a quiet, dark street so we didn't get many trick or treaters. We had a Costco bag and a half left of candy at our house because I am so used to handing out so much candy that I overbought.

Live and learn for next year I suppose.

The morning of the holiday I went to see the school parade and help with Luke's party. The rules were that there were to be no masks with the costumes and so I did a terrible make up job for Andrew's zombie costume and the other two just made do. I think I was the only parent who followed directions so for sure next year I will have them pack their masks in their backpacks for the parade.

See all that I am learning this year?

Here is a shot of the boys before school.

Blurry parade photos.

I love this Nacho Libre smile.

Then the big event. With masks.

We went to a neighbor's house for their annual soup dinner and hung out there for a while to fill our bellies with good food before slamming it with junk. It was fun to see everyone's costumes--my favorite was the family who dressed up like muppets. They were legit homemade costumes and they were adorable. I couldn't get over it.

Then off to get the candy. It was strange because Liam was the only one who went around with Justin this year. All of the other boys went with their friends in other neighborhoods.

Nick wasn't planning on going out trick or treating but at the last minute some friends called and he rummaged through our dress up box and went out after all. Here is a before photo because I felt bad he wasn't included in the other ones.

Monday, December 17, 2012


This week it finally snowed. Huge.

Liam and Luke stayed out in it for hours. Those boys sure love to play together.

Most of the snow was gone by the time Saturday rolled around but there was just enough that the boys were totally psyched to play their football games. This was our last regular season game and we had been pretty darn lucky with weather up to this point. I was a little hesitant to set up camp and sit in the frigid cold for hours, but even with the snow on the ground, with the sun out it actually pleasant and made for pretty amazing football weather.

Here is Andrew:

I have a gazillion pictures of Nick from this week. I didn't even post all of them. Nick just had a great game and they gave him the ball. A lot.

I guess I took a few of Luke too.

This has nothing to do with football but since I am so very behind, I did want to remember a quick thought.

There was a terrible tragedy just last weekend in Newtown, CT. It has affected me down to the core. How does one think it is okay to kill anyone, let alone children.

After I heard the news, I immediately went to my knees and prayed for these families of the children. Oh, to lose a child in that manner. I cannot imagine the pain and heartache while waiting to see if your child would come out of the school when they never would. I am in pain from losing my baby but it is nothing, I am absolutely positive, compared to this brutal manner that these children were taken. It absolutely kills me to think about it. I not only prayed for their families but I was comforted to know that my little Jacob is safe with my Heavenly Father and will never have to experience the disturbing things happening in the world.

During Sacrament meeting today we sang "Away in a Manger." I couldn't even get through the last verse:

"Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay
close by me forever, and love me I pray
Bless all the dear children, in thy tender care,
and fit us for Heaven to live with thee there.

I just hope that these families find comfort and peace at this time. I hope they can heal and love and not let the ugliness of what happened to their loved ones blacken and harden their hearts. I wish I could help them in some way. Even if it was to go and give them a big hug and cry with them.

I also hope that I can live a life worthy enough to see my sweet baby.

I found a scripture in Psalms 18:28 that has comforted me. It states: "For thou wilt light my candle: the Lord my God will enlighten my darkness." God knows all. He has a plan. God will help us through our darkest days. If we follow him, we will find happiness and joy and light.

God bless Newtown.