I am usually one that lets things slide off my back, not get too ruffled, you know, a "go with the flow" kind of gal. Sure, there are things that I want that I can't have that other people get but it doesn't get me upset if I can't have them right then because we have goals and work toward things and I know I will eventually get what I want.
This is a bit different.
I want a baby.
My pregnancies have all had a little high risk involvement to them, escalating to Liam's pregnancy that required a month of bedrest in the hospital, a ton of bleeding and worry, and a cesarean section for delivery. Now usually getting pregnant after a cesarean section is not a huge problem but because of the condition I had my doctor told me it is not a good idea to get pregnant again. "Really?", I challenged. "Yes, really," she replied and proceeded with a huge laundry list of reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea. She convinced me but it also made me feel a bit inadequate as a woman. Here I am with a perfectly healthy body but my womb is not good enough to carry a baby safely. Lame. We also had thrown around the idea of adoption but nothing was ever talked about seriously and so nothing was ever resolved. I know it is hard to feel sorry for me--I have four beautiful boys and there are many, many, many people out there who fiercely want a baby who don't have one at all.
I really have been thinking about this for a couple years, not wanting to bug Justin about it because he put his foot down and said we were done. Absolutely done. Just about three months ago we were at church and our friend's little 13 month old girl just could not get enough of Justin...totally ignored me and her mom...just was touching Justin on the face, smiling at him, being totally adorable. After they walked away, Justin turned to me and told me he thinks we should have another baby and he has been feeling this way for a while. I just started crying. This opened up the same questions again--now with new vigor. Do I get pregnant? Do we adopt? What would the implications be for either? We left it up to fasting and prayer and lots of deliberating and finally came up with our answer. We are totally psyched about it, it is just super crazy trying to save up a million gazillion dollars for a baby.
But I am so jealous of pregnant women. I love being pregnant. I love that I actually have boobs, the feeling of the baby moving inside of me, knowing that I am creating something beautiful. I love looking at ultrasounds of the tiny baby you can't feel yet but it is moving and alive and full of promise.
I thank my Heavenly Father for the four beauties that I have and the two angels up above that I will hug and kiss over and over once I see them again. I am so grateful to be a mother and the love that my boys have for me. It is priceless.
I also love all you pregnant women out there and am so excited for you. Just know that you have one up on me but watch out, there will soon be another addition to the Scott family and it will most likely be as crazy as its brothers.
10 comments:
Wow. What a beautiful post, Corrine. I didn't know any of this about you... the high risk PGs and that you were ill advised to be pregnant again. You wrote it all so beautifully. Heartfelt and loving. Thank you for sharing.
So, was your answer adoption? I'm excited for you whatever it is!
I love you soooo much Corrine! Yay you!
Wow. You are such a wonderful mother. You deserve to have another. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you.
I, like you, wish that you could get pregnant again. You are such a fabulous mother. You are terrific with 4 and would be with 12. I hope that money can be saved or someone would approach you or something so that you could have another little one around the house and in our family. Everone would be so excited!! I love you and am so proud to have you as a daughter.
Wow! That was quite a post!!! I knew that you guys had discussed things, but this sounds serious. Just like Andrew said with Andrea and Me..."I think you are going to have a boy, or you can buy a girl if you want." :) Thanks for being there for Andrea last week in the wee hours of the morning. You really helped to calm her down. It was fun to talk to you for a minute over the internet on the phone :) We will keep you guys in our prayers!
You explain yourself beautifully. You really do have a knack for writing. I know that you will be ever so happy with the next addition to your family, no matter how he/she gets to you.
Oh I'm so happy for you! You are such an awesome mother and the little one that joins your family will be so lucky to have you!
Corinne,
hello dear friend! yes, I'm out here and I read your blog, and I think it's fabulous, and I think you're fabulous and honest and brave and real and devoted and open and beautiful. Good luck with this process.....I'm sure there is some lucky soul out there getting psyched about having you for a mom.
thanks for sharing.
Ok, you really got the tears flowing. I am excited for the plan to add to the fam, you guys are the greatest family and who wouldn't want more Scott's!! I know about the pregnancy envy. I had it bad and it was hard seeing patients that were pregnant and smoking while I just wanted to be pregnant! I know you'll be blessed for this trial, greatly. Also, agree fully on the boobs...hehe
You brought tears to my eyes and touched my heart deeply. Thank you for sharing something so personal and sincere. I pray all works the way that it should for you and your dear sweet boys!
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