So thankful.

This is going to be an extremely long post. Have you ever had a weekend in which you were enlightened? I just had one and I don't think I will be able to put the words down correctly to give it justice, but it was an amazing journey.

Thanksgiving weekend just ended yesterday for me. I was scheduled to work on Thanksgiving right in the middle of both our families dinners and then worked everyday until yesterday-it sounds like a lot, I know, but I am so grateful for the hours that can be few and far between these days and I had two very memorable patients that made me very grateful for multiple aspects of my life. I will spare everyone all of the gory details so I will list the top five.

One patient arrived just as I was coming to work on Friday morning. She was contracting regularly and was dilating with her first baby only at 20 weeks gestation. I always get a little nauseous when this happens because there is nothing we can do for the sweet baby since it is too early. We just wrap the baby up in a homemade blanket that another family has thoughtfully made because of a loss that they have had and let the mom love him until he passes. With this patient, the doctors pulled out all the stops and we slowed the contractions down but unfortuneatly, she delivered the next day.

1. I am thankful for my children. I used to take pregnancy for granted. I rarely heard about pregnancy complications growing up, my mom never had problems with her five pregnancies, and I guess I never thought I had a reason to worry. My first three pregnancies were relatively easy--they did have their glitches but once I found out I was pregnant, I never once thought that I would not end up with a healthy, beautiful baby at the end. With Nick's first ultrasound, I just thought we were going to see what his gender was so I would have been absoluetly floored had they found anything wrong. Yes, I was very, very naive.


My fourth pregnancy was the one that made me realize how fleeting life can be. I was a little more sick with this particular pregnancy but other than that, I just expected to deliver near my due date, sometime in June of 2004. I would look at the baby all the time at work, moving and growing. We found out he was a boy two days before I didn't see his heartbeat. I felt so gross inside. My ears started closing off and I was shaking- I just remember the uncontrolable shaking because there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was induced and delivered a very small and delicate little boy the next day, our little Gabe. I had another miscarriage after that in October of 2004 and then we found out I was pregnant with Liam a year and 15 days after we had our loss. We definately have always cherished our children but after losing two and working so hard to get Liam here, it helped us realize that children are true miracles and made us that much more grateful for our darling boys.

On Sunday, I started out my day admitting a patient who was a drug addict and was completely out of control. I try not to judge people but people who admit using meth and marijuana daily for the last six weeks of their pregnancy make it hard to be a loving and supportive nurse while they are only one centimeter and hurting like crazy. She fired me after I missed her first IV but then I redeemed myself after only having to try one other time. After we got her the epidural, she was quite pleasant and I was becoming choked up as she relayed her life story to the midwife. She was born to a sixteen year old mother who abused her and couldn't take care of her so kicked her out at twelve years old. She was started on antidepressants at eleven. Her mom was put in jail and had another baby while incarcerated so my patient raised him when she was fifteen until he was 18 months old.

2. I am grateful for my wonderful, loving parents and that I was able to be a child when I was little.
I look back on my childhood and realize that I was spoiled. My family was middle class and my parents worked very hard for what we had but I never wanted for anything. I was fed, clothed, had hot baths, a warm house, and most importantly, love. I am grateful that I had a stable family and that I knew who my parents were and that my mom knew who the father of her children were. My dad worked and my mom stayed home to take care of us-I lived in a nice, secure bubble. I was never abused, was not a slave or a prosititute to feed my parent's drug habit, I was able to be a kid. I walked to the corner market with friends to buy candy, rode my bike all over the neighborhood, played all day and never had a care in the world.

The midwife probed further and asked about her drug habit and if she would like to quit. The patient started crying and stated that she and her boyfriend had been sober for a while and she just relapsed six weeks prior. She said she feels so much better when she is clean and when she gets high, it is not the same. It isn't fun, it is because her body thinks she needs it and so she complies. One thing in her favor, she said she only uses clean needles and luckily, all of her tests for HIV and HepC came back clean.

3. I am so grateful that I have never done drugs or tasted alcohol.  And going along with this, I am undeniably grateful for the gospel. I am not in any way trying to be offensive. I have many friends who drink. They are lovely. This should say it all but I am grateful that I am keeping my body that much healthier by keeping these things out. I don't have to worry about overdosing or getting any of the numerous diseases that come with IV drug use.
I love my Heavenly Father so much. He has helped me through good times and bad and I am grateful for the stability that my religion provides. I will not go much into it because I know my own testimony, but being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has been an amazing blessing in my life.

The boyfriend she was with was super supportive and they have had an off and on relationship for nine years. He was one of the only men in her life who had not ever abused her. He is not the father of the baby and on her prenatal record she didn't state him as the current boyfriend she was with at the time of her appointment.

4. I am grateful for Justin. Not only am I grateful that I know who the father of my children is, I am just grateful for him. Our relationship has had mulitple bumps--some have been huge potholes--but we have been able to manuver around and through them and our relationship now is stronger than ever. He is always wanting to do what is best for me and the boys and is a great example to the boys of how a wonderful husband and father should be.

Her step father (one of them) and his wife offered to adopt the baby and would not let her see the baby unless she was clean, motivation to have a better life for her and her baby. Her boyfriend's mother seemed pretty grounded, my patient lived with her before she ran away two weeks prior and boy, did she get a talking to about running away.

5 I am grateful for my extended family and friends. Both sides of our family have loving parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins that would and do help out when the going gets rough. I have dear friends that are like my family. Thank you for all you do!

I hope my patient's story will have a happy ending but I do know that my life is pretty darn incredible and for that, I am so thankful.