*filling the void*

One month ago I delivered my stillborn little boy.

I miss him terribly.

Some days are better than others. Some minutes hurt more than others. I still have breakdowns and my arms ache to hold a little one. The little one I will not be blessed to hold in this life.

I took three weeks off from work which was nice but I had a lot of time during the day to think about what could have been and I would cry. I decided to go back to work so I could have a distraction, to keep my mind off things, and since I work nights, I would be able to sleep the sadness away until my boys got home from school.

But I do work in Labor and Delivery. I am around families having their precious babies. Not to mention there are over a dozen women that I work with that are pregnant, most within a month of when I was due. There were four of us due within the same week. I look at their sweet, round pregnant bellies full of life and try to be excited for them but I am still full of too much grief. Still reminded that my womb is empty. And if that weren't enough, my period started this week as if my body was reiterating the fact that there is nothing in there. No one in there.

Although I am trying to rise above my sadness, there are daily reminders that taunt me: there is no adjusting of my seatbelt to make room for the baby, the almost guilty looks of my friends who are successfully carrying their little one, and the confused looks of others who knew I was pregnant and I don't have a belly anymore. Instead, I have a box of momentos that include molds of his sweet hands and feet, his ultrasound pictures, and sincere and lovely notes of sympathy and love, trying to erase some of my pain.

People would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and I was at a loss. I couldn't think of one single thing. What I truly wanted and desired was gone and I didn't feel like I could fill the void with silly trinkets and things of monetary value. I wanted my baby. That is all. I just want my baby to be back. To feel him kick and move inside me. I wanted to yell and scream and make someone understand that a part of me died when Jacob came.

I did try to fill my soul with spending money on my kids for Christmas. It felt good for a while but the gifts I bought brought joy to my boys, but they were spoiled and got a little too much to open on Christmas morning. It was just a temporary happiness for me and so I started thinking.

I need to fill my soul with good things. Things that bring lifelong happiness not only to me, but to others.

This next year I am excited to do at least one service project a week. Some will be small, some large, some alone, some with my family. I am excited to begin and to remember that "when you are in the service of your fellow beings, you are in the service of your God."

I have a few ideas, but definately not 52. If you have any, please feel free to list them. I want to be successful at this. I want my boys to see the true meaning of happiness. And most of all, I want to see my baby again.

The healing has begun and I know from experience that it is a process but things do get and feel better over time. I need to continue to have hope and faith and remember that my Savior loves me and will not leave me alone in my sorrow.

I am so excited for 2013.