*blessed*

Much has happened in the last little while and instead of backtracking today, I am going to live in the moment.

It has been quite a discussion for sometime that Justin and I wanted to add to our family. But how? Would we adopt? Would we try to get pregnant again?

Last March, my IUD was due to be pulled since the five years of its baby preventing power was up. I told Justin that I was making an appointment to have it removed and replaced and he surprised me when he told me "just leave it out." I was beyond the moon excited. I even had it pulled by one of my friends the next time I went to work and thought within the next couple months we would be expecting.

Not so.

Month after month went by and the tests were always negative. My body would play tricks on me and I would have early pregnancy symptoms but nothing would ever come to fruition. I would go through frequent periods of frustration. There was lots of prayer, tears, longing and hope. My testimony was strengthened in waiting for God's timing.

Finally after 18 months of nothing happening on our own, we were open to the idea of talking to a fertility specialist. I was hesitant to go since I figured that if it wasn't happening, Heavenly Father was telling me something. Maybe it wasn't supposed to happen for us. Justin and I talked it over and decided that we would just go and see what they thought and that we didn't want anything super invasive and that maybe by going to this appointment would give us more of an answer of what our future held since we were actively trying to find an answer to our prayer.

We met with the doctor and she thought that my uterine lining was too thin to support a pregnancy since being off the IUD my cycles were so short. They also wanted to see what Justin's *ahem* sperm count was so they ordered an ultrasound of my uterus and labs for me and a semen analysis for Justin. We felt good about doing these things and decided to proceed.

I was to get the ultrasound a couple days before I started my period again which was the next Wednesday so I scheduled that and had my labs drawn. Everything was good to go.

The next Monday night at work I was feeling pretty darn crappy. I just chalked it up to having my period start in the next couple days so I just muddled through my shift. I ate something right before I was going to leave and I felt better. That had not happened before during the last 18 months so I swung by the grocery store on my way home to pick up a pregnancy test. I bought one with two in it since I was pretty sure this was going to be negative just like all the others.



But it was postive. My heart was beating so fast as I saw those two pink lines appear. So incredibly happy and I couldn't even believe my eyes. I sent a text to Justin with the picture with a caption that said "I guess you won't be needing that analysis now!" Poor guy was so nervous about getting that test done.

But he never got the text. A couple hours later I got one from him saying that he had wanted to ask me this for a couple days but was I pregnant because he had been having dreams like he did when I was pregnant with the other boys. I told him yes. We were absolutely thrilled.

The next day the infertility clinic called me to schedule my uterine ultrasound and I told them that I wouldn't need it since I just had a positive pregnancy test. They congratulated me and scheduled me for a viability ultrasound two days later and to get my Hcg levels drawn. I went up that day to get my levels drawn and when I called to get the results they were off the charts. Like 16,000. I was freaking out because that is way high for four weeks along so right away I started worrying that something was wrong with the baby, like a molar pregnancy since an abnormally high Hcg is one of the clinical markers for that condition.

I went in to the clinic for my scheduled ultrasound and they found that it was not a molar pregnancy but I was in fact further along than I thought--6 weeks and one day. I was pregnant when I went in for my consultation! I saw its little heartbeat pumping away and instantly smitten. How can you be so in love with something you have only known for three days? They took a picture of my cute little blob and sent me home with a due date of May 18th.

Just 5 days later I started spotting. Seriously? I had just been given the most wonderful news in the world and now it was all coming to an end. I went into the ED and they found that everything was just fine. The baby looked great, my labs looked great, and they couldn't find any source of where the bleeding was coming from.

Everything went along as normal. Football games, birthday parties, appointments, you know, just life. My pants were starting to get tight. I loved every minute.

I went in for another ultrasound on October 15th and my little one was doing great. They even moved up my due date another week to May 11th. This was the best first trimester ever. It was going so fast and I couldn't believe that I had one less week to wait to meet this little person. It was so cute--it was becoming more defined and the little arm and leg buds were protruding out of its body and it was wiggling all over. I teared up when I saw the ultrasound because I was so nervous since the spotting but seeing this healthy bean bebopping around made me so happy. SO, so happy.

A week later I started spotting again but this time it was much more. I headed back up to the ED and nervously awaited the ultrasound. They sent in two clueless med students to scan me and they were trying to get a heartbeat while looking at its head. They told me that its heartbeat was in the 200s and everything was okay. I took a deep breath and was patient for a little while since I knew that they needed to learn but finally I just couldn't wait anymore to see what I needed to see. I asked them if they would mind if I took the probe and scanned myself since I look all the time at work. They said sure and plop...I found the baby right away and it measured perfect and the heartbeat was strong. What a relief. Again, they couldn't find a source of the bleeding and I was sent home.

I was a complete stress case after that. I took it easy, I freaked out everytime I went to the bathroom, was constantly checking to see if there was any new bleeding about a million times a day. I rented a doppler and checked the heartbeat (at least) twice a day. How I love that sound! I prayed constantly and even prayed to have him take my little one, even though it was the last thing I wanted to happen, but I pleaded with him to take him now if He was going to so I wouldn't get too attached. I already loved this little one so, so much and it just gets harder to say good bye with each passing week. I stayed pregnant, the bleeding stayed under control, and I just tried to have faith that everything would work out for the best.

The bleeding stayed under control, just spotting that never got any worse. I went to have some genetic testing done on the first of November since I am considered "old" by obstetric standards. We found out the next week that our little one was in fact a boy and had no evidence of any genetic issues. I was so excited to be having our sixth (!) boy and started making plans in my mind for when he would arrive. We had no idea what we were going to name him so we lovingly called him "Sheldon", a character from one of our favorite television shows. We talked about so many names and couldn't agree on one that I was afraid that it would actually end up being his name.

I loved my little growing belly.

On November 16th I was driving home from work and as I entered my driveway I began to bleed. Heavily.

This was right around the time we lost our first little one at 15 weeks and 2 days. I was hysterical.

I went inside and tried to put on a calm face for the boys who were waiting to walk to school. I tried to wait until they were to leave in a half an hour but I was mentally deteriorating. I checked his heartrate and everything sounded good. I smiled and said that I had to go back up to the hospital and to have a great day at school. I climbed back into my car and completely lost it. I called Justin and was sobbing uncontrollably and I told him to meet me at the hospital. I only live about 12 minutes from the hospital but with all the University traffic on Foothill it seemed to take forever. During that time I was feeling a ton of pressure and then I thought I felt little feet kicking in the birth canal. I thought I was going to deliver in my car. I called Labor and Delivery and and I think I was having an out of body experience. One of my good friends was charging and I told her she needed to talk to me and calm me down because I was not thinking clearly. She stayed on the phone with me and helped me stay relatively calm and then Justin called back. He said a prayer with me on the phone and I was able to calm down a little bit more. When I arrived at the hospital I pulled into the valet parking and I think I freaked the attendant a smidge. I am sure that I looked a mess and I didn't even want to get out of my car because not only was I bleeding, I thought I was delivering my little boy. I asked him if he would mind helping me up to OB emergency and he willingly pushed me in a wheelchair up to be evaluated.

My friend and the midwife and nurse from the triage area met me there and examined me. The bleeding was still happening but my little guy was still holding on. They took me to the diagnostic center and did a formal ultrasound. Everything looked perfect. The baby was not affected, they couldn't find a source of the bleeding, and everything was developing just right with my little guy. I went home and went to sleep and continued to take it easy.

Thanksgiving came and went. I sang to the baby since his ears were developing. We talked about names. I was planning the nursery. The heartrate was music to my ears. Liam would tell me to chew my food soft so the baby could eat it. Everything was going great.

Monday, November 26, I woke up and was getting the boys ready. There was no bleeding on my underwear so I waited to check the heartrate until the boys were watching a little t.v. before school. I couldn't find it but I wasn't too worried since I have an anterior placenta and I figured he just had his stomach up to me so I ate something and tried again about 15 minutes later. Nothing. I got the boys off to school and said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me remain calm and that if he took our little guy back to Him that I would have peace. I checked one more time and couldn't find a heartbeat so I called up to our triage area and asked the midwife if she could do a quick scan. She said to come right up.

I was very calm. Not nervous. Just calm. I showered and drove myself up to the hospital and there they confirmed the worst possible outcome.

He was gone.

I just remember that there was such a peaceful feeling in my heart. Of course I cried. Of course I was utterly and completely heartbroken. I just felt like my sweet little boy was holding me and letting me know he was in a better place. I just wondered why, after all the scares, after me praying that he would be taken from me before I was completely in love with this little being, why. now. Why after trying for so long and being so patient and wanting this more than anything in the world would he be taken from me now. I never, ever thought I would have to experience this once, let alone a second time.

I called Justin and broke the news to him. They performed another ultrasound and found that my placenta had slowly been coming away from my uterus and the baby finally succumbed.

It was super busy on Labor and Delivery and so once there was a clean room they transferred me over and my induction was begun at 12:30. I have to say that delivering in the place you work is an absolutely wonderful experience. Especially when the outcome is less than ideal. I was treated so lovingly and being surrounded by friends at this difficult time was amazing. Although I didn't allow many visitors in my room, they would text, send in hot chocolate, and just share in my sorrow.

Justin and I spent some precious time together. He is such a wonderful and caring and devoted husband. We talked about what we were going to name him. It had been quite a discussion for a couple weeks. He gave me a blessing of comfort and beautiful promises were made. He choked up in the middle of the blessing and finished in tears. He said that he had felt hands on his head during the blessing and that he felt inspiriation about what we should name him. It was the name we had disagreed on for a while that I had felt so strongly about naming him but Justin hated it so much that I didn't bring it up anymore.

Jacob. Bertholt. Scott.

We waited for the time to come. My contractions were getting so strong I could feel them through my epidural. Then my water broke and about 30 minutes later it was time for us to meet our little boy.

He delivered on November 27 at 1253 a.m. He was beautiful. He had an adorable little cleft lip that would have been so kissable. He had Luke's little nose and long, dainty fingers. He looked very peaceful, like he was asleep.

Maybe this is why he waited until now to come. So I could hold his little body, touch his hands, kiss his sweet little head. Hold him close near my heart all night long and be able to say goodbye. I feel such an emptiness inside that I cannot fill. I will never be pregnant again and that is a very hard pill to swallow. Oh, I miss him so much.

I have to say that I feel a little cheated. I have been struggling with my faith because I don't know why my prayers were answered in this way. Was I too needy and Heavenly Father finally gave in and said "Fine. If you want it so bad I will give it to you" even if wasn't the best thing for me? Am I not a good enough person that I don't deserve another son? Is there truly an afterlife? It sure is a great thing to believe in but am I just believing because I want to see my boys again so so much? I am ashamed to admit that I was a little angry with Heavenly Father but I am coming around. I know I will find out an answer someday. Part of me wonders if I was going to have a very high risk pregnancy because I would have dreams constantly that I was close to death multiple times. I wonder if this sweet spirit sacrificed himself to save me so I could be a mom to my four boys here on Earth. I just have to be the best person I can be in order to kiss his sweet face in heaven. I am glad he has an older brother up there to keep him company and I hope they behave themselves.

I love you my darling Jacob. I feel so blessed to have been your mother for those short 16 weeks and 2 days. I cry every day in the shower since I don't have your cute self in my belly and it is getting flat. Thank you for your gift, I was so excited to meet you and watch you grow and interact with your brothers. Alas, it will be a while longer before I can embrace you. Until we meet again.